Mind Your Own Business

A little boy was in a taxi eating a chocolate, then

he took another one and then another ...

A man next to him said "Do you know that too

much of it will damage your teeth"

The boy replied, "my grandfather lived for 132

years"

The man asked " was it because of eating

chocolate ?"

The boy replied, "No, he was always minding his

own business" ...... ..

Be Strong Honey

CUNT

Loving relationship with your husband

There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, 'How many of you love your husbands?'

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, 'When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?'
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember..

The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: I love you, sweetheart.
Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?

2. What now? Did you crash the car again?

3. I don't understand what you mean?

4. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time!!!

5. ?!?

6. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

7. Am I dreaming? ???????

8. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today...!!!

9. I asked you not to drink anymore!!

and the best one

10. Who is this?

Dream Girl V.S Dream Man

I don't feel like it - Awesome Read

A diary entry by a man - 
Last week , my girlfriend and I were getting into bed for the first time. Well, the passion started to heat up, and suddenly she said,
'I don't feel like it,
I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! Whats that?!'

She said:
'You ve really not touched my emotional needs as a woman, enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep dejected.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big big departmental store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... she was so excited that it could be seen through her looks and actions.

She Finally said, 'I think this is all
darling, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself and I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled look 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not part of my financial things, enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least the bitch knows I'm not less smarter than her...

American Guy in QATAR

There was this robbery

There was this robbery in Guangzhou , the robber shouted to everyone: "All don't move, money belongs to the state, life belongs to you".

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.

This is called "Mind Changing Concept --> Changing the conventional way of thinking".
-------------------------------------------------
One lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her "Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional --> Focus only on what you are trained to do!"
-------------------------------------------------
When the robbers got back, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who is only primary school educated), "Big bro, let's count how much we got", the older robber rebutted and said, "You very stupid, so much money, how to count, tonight TV will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience --> nowadays experience is more important than paper qualifications!"
-------------------------------------------------

After the robbers left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. The supervisor says "Wait, wait wait, let's put the 5 million RMB we embezzled into the amount the robbers robbed".

This is called "Swim with the tide --> converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!"
-------------------------------------------------

The supervisor says "It will be good if there is a robbery every month".

This is called "Killing Boredom --> Happiness is most important."
-------------------------------------------------

The next day, TV news reported that 100 million RMB was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count 20 million RMB. The robbers were very angry and complained "We risked our lives and only took 20 million RMB, the bank manager took 80 million RMB with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated to be a thief!"

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold !"
-------------------------------------------------

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his loss in the CINOPEC shares are now covered by this robbery.

This is called "Seizing the opportunity --> daring to take risks!"

Clouds For my troubles

NEW CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. This guy is really going to show that he was a good investment by the company.

One day, on a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Penguin

A man was walking in a park when he came across a penguin. He took him to a policeman and said, "I've just found this penguin. What should i do?". 

The policeman replied, "take him to the zoo"

The next day the policeman saw the same man in the same park and the man was still carrying the penguin with him. 

The policeman was rather surprised and walked up to the man and asked, "why are you still carrying that penguin? Didn't u take it to the zoo?".

"I certainly did", replied the man, "and it was great idea he really enjoy it, so today i'm taking him to the movies!"

Guilty

A guy asked a girl in the

library:

BOY: Do you mind when i sit

with you??

GIRL: ( LOUDLY ) I DON'T

WANT TO

SPEND THE NIGHT WITH

YOUU!

all the students in the library

started

staring at the guy... He was

embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the

girl walked

quietly to the guy's table and

told him..

GIRL: I study psychology and

i know what

men are thinking... I guess

you felt

embarrassed right??

BOY: (LOUDLY) $200 FOR

ONE NIGHT?

THAT IS TOO MUCH!

all the students in the library

looked at

the girl in shock and the guy

whispered

into the her ears:

BOY: I study law and i know
how to make
someone feel guilty..

PG- Jokes :"Big chief, no fart"

There was this Indian chief who was straining to blow a fart but it wouldn’t come out.

So he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor and he says, ”Big chief, no fart.”

The doctor gives him a can of beans and tells him to come back tomorrow to tell him what happened.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ”Big chief, no fart.”

The doctor gives him 10 cans of beans this time.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ”Big chief, no fart.” The doctor gives him 100 cans of beans.

The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ”Big chief, no fart.”

The doctor gives him 10, 000 cans of beans and says, ”If this doesn’t work then nothing will.”

The messenger boy comes back the next day and looks at the doctor.

The doctor anxiously asked, ”Well, did it work?”

The messenger boy says, ”Big fart, no chief!”

Fabulous Emma Watson

Great Quote by Sasha Grey : PG18+

The 5 most important B's of your life.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The Savvy Traveler!

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket — If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabby said, “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!” So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked? “Fifteen bucks,” came the reply. “And how much for you to blow me on the way?” “What?! Get the hell out of my cab.”

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked “How much for a ride to the airport?” The cabby replied “fifteen bucks.” The businessman said “ok” and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.