Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Mind Your Own Business
Thursday, 27 June 2013
A little boy was in a taxi eating a chocolate, then
he took another one and then another ...
A man next to him said "Do you know that too
much of it will damage your teeth"
The boy replied, "my grandfather lived for 132
years"
The man asked " was it because of eating
chocolate ?"
The boy replied, "No, he was always minding his
own business" ...... ..
Loving relationship with your husband
Friday, 17 May 2013
There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.
The women were asked, 'How many of you love your husbands?'
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, 'When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?'
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember..
The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: I love you, sweetheart.
Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
2. What now? Did you crash the car again?
3. I don't understand what you mean?
4. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time!!!
5. ?!?
6. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
7. Am I dreaming? ???????
8. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today...!!!
9. I asked you not to drink anymore!!
and the best one
10. Who is this?
The women were asked, 'How many of you love your husbands?'
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, 'When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?'
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember..
The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: I love you, sweetheart.
Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
2. What now? Did you crash the car again?
3. I don't understand what you mean?
4. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time!!!
5. ?!?
6. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
7. Am I dreaming? ???????
8. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today...!!!
9. I asked you not to drink anymore!!
and the best one
10. Who is this?
NEW CEO
Thursday, 9 May 2013
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. This guy is really going to show that he was a good investment by the company.
One day, on a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Penguin
A man was walking in a park when he came across a penguin. He took him to a policeman and said, "I've just found this penguin. What should i do?".
The policeman replied, "take him to the zoo"
The next day the policeman saw the same man in the same park and the man was still carrying the penguin with him.
The policeman was rather surprised and walked up to the man and asked, "why are you still carrying that penguin? Didn't u take it to the zoo?".
"I certainly did", replied the man, "and it was great idea he really enjoy it, so today i'm taking him to the movies!"
The policeman replied, "take him to the zoo"
The next day the policeman saw the same man in the same park and the man was still carrying the penguin with him.
The policeman was rather surprised and walked up to the man and asked, "why are you still carrying that penguin? Didn't u take it to the zoo?".
"I certainly did", replied the man, "and it was great idea he really enjoy it, so today i'm taking him to the movies!"
Guilty
Wednesday, 8 May 2013
A guy asked a girl in the
library:
BOY: Do you mind when i sit
with you??
GIRL: ( LOUDLY ) I DON'T
WANT TO
SPEND THE NIGHT WITH
YOUU!
all the students in the library
started
staring at the guy... He was
embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the
girl walked
quietly to the guy's table and
told him..
GIRL: I study psychology and
i know what
men are thinking... I guess
you felt
embarrassed right??
BOY: (LOUDLY) $200 FOR
ONE NIGHT?
THAT IS TOO MUCH!
all the students in the library
looked at
the girl in shock and the guy
whispered
into the her ears:
BOY: I study law and i know
how to make
someone feel guilty..
.jpg)
PG- Jokes :"Big chief, no fart"
There was this Indian chief who was straining to blow a fart but it wouldn’t come out.
So he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor and he says, ”Big chief, no fart.”
The doctor gives him a can of beans and tells him to come back tomorrow to tell him what happened.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ”Big chief, no fart.”
The doctor gives him 10 cans of beans this time.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ”Big chief, no fart.” The doctor gives him 100 cans of beans.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ”Big chief, no fart.”
The doctor gives him 10, 000 cans of beans and says, ”If this doesn’t work then nothing will.”
The messenger boy comes back the next day and looks at the doctor.
The doctor anxiously asked, ”Well, did it work?”
The messenger boy says, ”Big fart, no chief!”
So he sent his little messenger boy to the doctor and he says, ”Big chief, no fart.”
The doctor gives him a can of beans and tells him to come back tomorrow to tell him what happened.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ”Big chief, no fart.”
The doctor gives him 10 cans of beans this time.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ”Big chief, no fart.” The doctor gives him 100 cans of beans.
The messenger boy comes back the next day and says, ”Big chief, no fart.”
The doctor gives him 10, 000 cans of beans and says, ”If this doesn’t work then nothing will.”
The messenger boy comes back the next day and looks at the doctor.
The doctor anxiously asked, ”Well, did it work?”
The messenger boy says, ”Big fart, no chief!”
35 Great Reasons To Be A Man
Saturday, 4 May 2013
1. Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. You know stuff about tanks.
3. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
4. You can open all your own jars.
5. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
6. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
7. You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
8. You can leave the motel bed unmade.
9. You can kill your own food.
10. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
11. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
12. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
13. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
14. If you are 35 and single, nobody notices.
15. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
16. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
17. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
18. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
19. Same work...more pay.
20. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
21. Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.
22. You don't mooch off other's desserts.
23. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
24. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
25. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice
anything different?"
26. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
27. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
28. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
29. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
30. You don't have to shave below your neck.
31. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
33. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
34. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
35. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
I would like to buy some cyanide
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
.jpg)
